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[23 Apr 2006|12:13am] |
so i went to see the wizard of oz last night at my school and during the overture there was this little girl with golden blonde hair and she was so cute. she was sitting on her moms lap conducting to the overture. it made me laugh because there is a picture of me doing the same thing in disney world. it also made me think about my future. my chance. and if i have one.
so i have to go to the doctor to see why im not "normal" in a female kind of way (boys i know it might gross you out). but it upsets me. ive been regular and they told me that was normal for girls my age.. when i was FIFTEEN. im 19. its just not normal anymore. so this summer will probably be full of tests and what not. and im just frightened to death im gonna find out that the one thing i want more than anything world i will never be able to have. i know im only 19 but there is so much i want to do before i think about children. but i know that i want them more than anything. it is probably the most important thing to me. the idea of not being able to kills me. i planned my career around the idea of children. its just not fair when there is so many people out there that are having kids and they are so messed up and a good person like me may never be able to.
well i dont know anything for sure its just a possiblitiy i suppose but i cant shake this feeling that the doctor is gonna tell me something really bad. my aunt had a kid when the doctors told her that with her condition it could kill her. i cant say that i wouldnt do the same. if i had one chance i think i would take it. even if it was tomorrow just cuz i would never know if i could have the chance again.
well maybe im just being silly. i have no idea whats wrong with me or even if there is anything wrong. i guess im just nervous and scared.
really scared.
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[04 Mar 2006|12:48am] |
It's funny. I have had a lot of doubts being here at school. Am I good enough? Am I just making a point? Can I really ever be a musician? Could I really teach this to someone? Do I have the drive for this? I have had a lot of doubts.
I've thought about giving up.
...quiting...
What would I do if I could never play again???
I'm not quite sure I would still be me.
Is that enough?
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[18 Nov 2005|04:02pm] |
I GOT INTO THE SCHOOL OF MUSIC!!!! I AM SO EXCITED! I'm sitting in the library right now waiting for mo and stacey to finish cleaning their room. Then I'm going to LB tonight! I am so happy to be going home you have NO idea. it's fucking snowing out here. I HATE SNOW!!! I swear I will be all kinds of angry if my flight gets cancelled or really delayed. I have such a crazy busy day tomorrow. I have to go see mygregory kevin cunningham and then my aunts 90th birthday party and then im off to see rent with my big mama. If anyone is going to the high school on wednesday let me know cuz i will be going as well and i really wanna go with someone else. well im gonna go cuz mo should be done by now.. hopefully.
see u at the beach :)
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[17 Oct 2005|10:34pm] |
so its raining here in fredonia.. just got back yesterday.. went home for fall break and it rained almost everyday i was home.. and now its raining here. its rather gloomy and it doesnt help that im not in a happy mood to begin with. going home made me realize how much it fits. i miss being with dave and i miss being with my family. my little gregory kevin grew up so much in two months and i wasnt there to see it and it really makes me upset. i dont know how maggie and timmy do this. i mean i know its just my cousins kid and i will see him when im home but when u measure how long u've been gone by how much he grew u start to realize that u arent only missing months but u are missing hours and minutes and milestones in someones life. and its not just his its everyones. u can just see it more in him because hes a baby and everyday they learn something new. the idea that he might not remember me the next time i see him hurts so bad. today i also realized how much i dont fit in here. i dont like it here and i cant seem to find a way to talk to these people. there are so many sheltered and conservative people here that never opened their minds to anything and never thought for themselves before and its rather discouraging. i cant seem to find where i belong. i love the 3 friends ive made here and i love my roommate and thats about it. and surprisingly enough they are all girls. i barely talk to any guys here. not that im looking for a "guy" but i usually get along a lot better with guys. im sure daves happy that im not really talking to any guys. i think i talk to all of 3 guys on occasion. with some other simple polite talk to others. i really just wish i fit in here. i wish i had an easier time making more friends even just casual friends .. someone i talk to sometimes and such. i just miss knowing people. i mean i know that i really didnt hang out with anyone in high school towards the end but i was friends with so many people. i could talk to people and laugh with people. i dont laugh much anymore.. atleast not as much as i use to.
i miss long beach
i miss having friends
i miss dave
i miss gregory kevin
i miss boobieson
i miss my family
hell.. i miss work
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[04 Oct 2005|11:22pm] |
so .. im gonna fail out of school!!!! hurray!
so music is not going so well.. im not sure im gonna make it in. i guess we will see
i miss home
7 days
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[29 Sep 2005|10:25pm] |
so I havent really updated this in like over a year...
well senior year is over (which was overall shit) and i am in college now.
i dont really like college.. i miss home A LOT! people here are so different. i dont know what i was thinking when i decided to be a music major. maybe wilson was right when she said i could never make it. i really want to prove her wrong though but then i dont want to do this just to prove her wrong. math ed is always an option though. i wont be here if i do math ed though. ill probably be in queens. i just feel like i suck at life here.. everyday i wake up and im reminded that im not good enough. i just want to go home...
so im really excited that i am going home in 12 days. then i realized that besides dave the people i am most excited to see are all under the age of 5. i have no life..
oh so i have social anxiety disorder.. ever since the last time i wrote in here. when everyone just stopped talking to me i became a very inverted person. i just dont like myself at all anymore and i feel like i have nothing to offer anyone. and here all my classes are basically music and since i feel inadequate as a musician i have a really hard time talking to people in my classes. i feel like the second i open my mouth something stupid is going to come out. i get all nervous and awkward and i cant breathe. the reason i have no friends here is my own fault though but i just cant seem to get up enough courage to say anything to anybody. i feel so alone here. no one understands me. no one cares enough to understand me.
ok so i have a very limited about of friends here. and i just found out that one of them probably cant stand me. well im not sure. i hope its not true because i really like them and i dont want them to not like me. i want to ask them about it but im afraid. i hope its not true.
i dont think i can do this anymore.
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[09 Sep 2004|10:33pm] |
i cant get this lump out of my throat.. or this pain in my chest.. my heart feels like i cant go on anymore and it doesnt want to... yet it still keeps pumping and prolonging the pain... there is nothing worth smiling about anymore
everything hurts
why does it insist on pumping?
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[03 Aug 2004|11:16pm] |
everyday gets closer and closer to school and everyday i dont want to get out of bed more and more.. u know ive been thinking to myself lately besides a select few not many people would care if i never got out of bed and even more people would never really notice me gone.. i mean come on.. ive been pretty much erased from everyones memory already.. i only get a hi how ya doin when people see me or the read something disheartening to them.. when was the last time i got a phone call just saying hi? or wanna go to the mall? wanna see a movie? when just talk? or anything? im really starting to feel like no one cares and its going to be so humiliating going back to school.. i think im gonna throw up when i see everyone..
everything else sucks too.. everytime i cross the street i have to refrain myself from throwing myself into ongoing traffic.. and trust me its a struggle.. i think at this point i would feel too stupid to kill myself considering i went through that phase in my life once before.. now i just want some freak accident to occur and i dont have to be the one to actually do it.. none the less i just wanna leave this place forever.. i just feel like shit everyday and it just gets harder and harder to breathe as i see myself drowning piece by piece everyday and getting deeper and deeper and i dont see any way out..
i found a letter that my aunt sent me and she ended it with thanking me for just being me.. and it really upset me because i have always fought for what i believe and who i wanted to be and if i wanted something i would work hard to get it.. and i have worked hard in the past and i receive absolutely nothing.. and that eats away at me more than anything.. and since thats the person that i am and the way i feel now isnt me.. that person is dead.. so there really is nothing left for me here...
i keep finding myself slipping away.. farther and farther.. and i dont know who i am anymore
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[27 Jul 2004|01:07am] |
just when i thought things couldnt get any worse... well they did
my uncle jack passed away saturday night.. i feel so bad and it was so sudden that im still in shock... im numb and i cant feel anything.. it hurts the worst when i see my aunt and cousins and my heart goes out to them cuz i cant imagine losing my dad now.. it would break my heart.. and to top everything it was my cousin tommys birthday today.. (my uncle jack is his dad) and we had a cousins dinner at the international cafe and it was really nice.. i felt so close to my family.. all 28 of us.. well not really cuz some of them werent there but i believe most of us were and some wifes and husbands or bf/gf things... it was nice.. we got tommy wicked tickets and jamie and me and my mom.. its not until dec but im excited.. we went to go see phantom with tommy and i really enjoyed myself with him.. he got an amp today and its a really nice one and literally became speechless.. i feel so bad for him.. he really hasnt spoken in the last few days and its really hitting him hard and i think hes bottling it all up inside and im so scared for tomorrow.. its all just gonna burst out.. my dad was saying that he thought it was stupid how there was only one night for my aunt but i really think its better that way.. the wake is gonna be tues and wed from like 2-4 and then 7-9.. and then the funeral on wednesday.. it just seems to be making a situation that much worse.. i think there shouldnt be such a focus on the body being in the room and just have family around for some support and memory telling.. some funny moments to make us laugh about him and smile when we think about him.. thats what my family needs now.. is to remember him the way he was not what he looks like in that casket.. cuz im telling u its not pretty and i forever will have these images burned in my memory of my aunt and thats not how i want to remember her.. i need her smile in my memory instead and her laugh and her smile and her singing around the house to all her animals and thats what my family needs now for my uncle jack..
my mom is just in pieces because he was her father figure in her life.. he taught her how to drive, kicked her out when she was a punk ass teenager, walked her down the aisle, and was so proud of her when she graduated this year.. its hard cuz i remember being close when i was little but i always seemed to bond with the females in my family more and i know that we had a bond and we loved each other its just so hard to remember some things.
things will never be the same for my family...
log for the last 2 months:
1) i lost my favorite person (my aunt)
2) i lost MC
3) i lost all my friends
4) i lost my uncle
5) i lost all will to keep holding on
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[22 Jul 2004|03:51am] |
i cant be happy.. i swear to god..
i hate school.. i am so dreading it its not even funny. ive been trying to get my mom to transfer me for next year cuz i dont want to go to LBHS and see stupid people that dont give a shit about me.. i might be staying with my uncle in florida and joining this community theater group there.. i doubt it but it would be nice..
me and dave had a huge fight today.. that wasnt fun.
i cant even begin to explain the way i feel right now.. this summer sucks.. its almost 4 am and i cant sleep because i have so much on my mind.. my dad will be up soon and yell at me for being up.. but it hurts to lay down and let my mind start thinking.. it makes me feel worse than i do now.. i think of how i have no friends but kari and dave, and how much i miss my aunt, how i hate school, how i hate things, how people have hurt me in the past, how angry dave can make me, and how i feel like there is no way out of this slump that i have found myself in.. im in so much pain, i cry everyday.. i feel so empty i cant make myself be happy anymore.. i seriously just want to runaway.. i dont want to be here anymore.. i hate this place i hate how familiar it is.. i just want to start over.. some place new where no one can ever really know me.. cuz it seems like everytime i open myself up i get hurt and too attached to the idea of someone being my friend or making me feel special that i always get hurt.. fuck caring about people.. why should i? people dont give a shit about me
it should be interesting when i go back to school.. they'll be that one teacher that asks "what did u do this summer?"
"well absolutely nothing because i was in a severe depression and none of my "friends" gave to shits about me to be there when i needed them ..."
fuck people...
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[18 Jul 2004|12:41am] |
My Pumpkin just bought me Pretty Pretty Princess and we played it and i won and they he won and i took a picture of him with the jewelery on.. hehe.. it was so funny
so today i worked and it sucked and tomorrow i have to work 10 hours and thats gonna suck and the 8 1/2 on monday are gonna suck.. im going to the city with kari on tuesday though so that should be fun.. im so broke its ridiculous..
i miss my Aunt Lisa a lot today
i told her on her answering machine..
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| i was just thinkin... |
[16 Jul 2004|12:42pm] |
omg wednesday night was amazing.. i went to irving plaza to see hanson and they were amazing.. and so sexy.. i was so squeezed and these fat girls were like on top of me. they really have the most ugly fan base ever.. it was probably the funniest thing ive ever seen in my life.. oh god.. 120 dollars later after a trip to the merchandise stand.. and im broke.. it was so much fun though.. i really enjoyed myself.. i felt like a little kid again.. i havent been happy in awhile and the show just totally took me to another time in my life.. another place that i havent been in a very long time.. even after the show and we were all just talking about the show and how amazing it was and how annoying the INSANE fans were.. it was just so much fun and i wouldnt have changed it.. except for the fact that we didnt meet them.. cuz that really sucked.. i definitely dont think they should ever do a general admission show ever again though.. atleast not in NY.. oh well.. what can i say.. im a BIG Hanson Nerd..
|-(-\)\| FOREVER!!
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[09 Jul 2004|01:31am] |
im absolutely miserable...
i thought i hated my juinor year sucked.. well this summer sucks even more..
i feel so empty and alone its not even funny.. i try to fill these holes with pointless stuff but it doesnt work.. you know 1 person cant fill a void that many people once were.. and yeah i know i havent always been around or hanging out but i was always there if any of them needed me.. and we all said that things would be different once the summer started, but its not.. its just worse.. theres more tension then there was before and now its completely pointless... you know i started feeling like this towards the end of may and i wanted to go to florida this summer to be with my aunt cuz she always knew how to make it better and now shes gone and i really cant handle it... it hurts so much.. she was the only person who completely understood me and now shes gone.. i cant take it.. i feel so alone
...and i have no one
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[07 Jul 2004|12:06pm] |
yeah so i start drivers ed today.. so not excited about that.. i havent driven since the day i got my permit, which was the day after exec board was announced last year.. yeah so i feel like im gonna throw up..
yay! and i also think i have chicken pox!!!! im so excited! i have to go to the doctors tomorrow
my mom left on sunday for florida.. had a party at my house was drunk and then sobered up by 4 in the afternoon and then got drunk again.. dave and stephanie came over and we had a good time.
~*Kari 1 more week*~
so yeah.. it really started to hit me the other day.. my aunt lisa is really gone. i can never talk to her again. it drives me out of my mind and makes me want to kill someone. i wish i didnt have to be in the pain that im in right now.. this was suppose to be an amazing summer because i had such a shitty year and it hasnt been at all. ive found out who my real friends are (which isnt really all that great), my big mama had to leave, me and dave are always fighting, kari and dave arent getting along (and i dont think they ever will), and i just feel like shit every day..
about the dave and kari not getting along really sucks.. they are the 2 closest friends i have and i cant really hang out with them together.. i suppose this is how kari feels cuz i hate steve and she cant hang out with us together either.. so i guess its kinda fair but it still sucks.
well im waiting for daves mom to pick me up.. so bye
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[18 Jun 2004|10:36am] |
IF
If I can lighten someone’s load
As they travel down life’s road,
My heart would oh, so happy be
To lessen someone’s misery
If I can fill someone with hope,
Give them courage with which to cope,
Replace their sadness with a smile,
I’d feel such gladness all the while.
If I can brighten someone’s day
And chase their dreary cares away,
Morning, night and afternoon
My heart would sing a happy tune.
-Nora M. Bozeman
My Aunt Lisa was an amazing individual, filled with strength and love to touch everyone of us in her own special way. She is my role model, my best friend, my favorite aunt, the only person that completely understands me, my second mom, and my light at the end of the tunnel. I remember as a child and still now how whenever I came to Florida I was never happier than when I was in my Aunt Lisa’s arms, in fact I spent a summer sleeping with her being my special pillow. I was always welcomed into her embrace and you all know, that was pure bliss. It was my utopia, a security blanket. Always blocking out the demons. Always keeping her faith strong. Always being my inspiration and a major source of my admiration.
In the past three years she went through something no one should have to go through. Losing her son broke her heart daily. But no matter how much pain she was in she always found it in her to take care of everyone around her. That was her mission in life, to be everyone’s mom. Biologically she had lost her only son but she has daughter’s and son’s all around her. Spoiling us and comforting us. Always taking care of her husband whom she adored.
She was always finding her way into trouble. I like to compare her and Uncle Raff to Lucy and Ricky from I Love Lucy. I came to visit once and she told me she had been trying to talk Uncle Raff into getting a llama. You can’t help but laugh when you think of her. She was an unforgettable character. She was my unforgettable character.
When she came up for my sweet 16 I had read her a speech that touched her heart so much. I said "I hope that one day you can find pure bliss because you deserve it." and as painful it is to have lost you I know deep down you have found it. So go be with your baby and take good care of him.
I was reading a letter she had sent me and she reminded how much I meant to her because she believed that it was very important to tell people that you loved them as much as possible so if one day they aren’t there anymore you know it was said. It makes me so glad that every time I saw her or talked to her on the phone I said those three words.. I love you. My mama Lisa taught me a lot and I think by far that was the most important thing. I think everyone should take time tonight and tell the people you love how you feel about them because you never know what tomorrow may bring.
I hope everyone realizes what a privilege it is to say that Aunt Lisa loved you. And I ask everyone to let her live in your hearts. I know right now everything is blinded by tears but as time passes remember her with a smile. Remember her tricks, her smile, her laugh. Remember the parties with her, the good times the bad. Remember how she always made you feel like the most important person in the world and how special she truly is. Keep her alive in your hearts because there she will always be home.
I had a dream last night.. my mama was still alive but she about to go into surgery that should probably wasnt going to make it through.. my cousin wasnt dead in my dream, he was just missing and i saw him.. but when i saw him he was a little kid like 8 (he died at the age of 17 and would be 20 now).. i told him that his mom was really sick and might not make it through her surgery and my aunt really wanted to see him.. so he decided to come with me immediately and as i was trying to find my aunt he kept getting younger and younger.. he refused to see my uncle (his dad) and when i finally found my aunt my cousin was that stage between a todler and infant and i handed my cousin rafael to my aunt and she held him so tight and looked so happy with tears behind her eyes telling me she had her baby.
i miss my mama lisa
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[15 Jun 2004|10:26am] |
theres a fine line between doing a good job at exec board and having an amazing delegation.. let everyone know we had an amazing delegation.. yes we had a good board but my problem is i know from experience that at times they were very unproductive. i was there. in fact at times they were cruel and vindictive for no reason. yes they got the job done "they saved congress".. this year. but i meant that they werent all that they are cracked up to be.. they arent these godly figures that they want to make themselves out to be.. yes it takes a good board to keep people together.. but it also an amazing delegation and i dont think they credited them enough and thats what i meant.. as for the anonymous comments.. fuck u i dont have to deal with u anymore i really dont care what u think of me.. u all hated me to begin with and never gave me a chance to do anything. i hated being on board this year because i was constantly treated like shit and that they were so much better than me when they really werent.. it was not fun i dont recommend junoirs on board at all.. and i did do things for congress.. i bet i was the only one that they had to say.. what did u do except this and that.. they wouldnt let me list anything that i did as a sophomore.. which guess what.. i was the only one that really did anything when i was sophomore.. and once again im sorry to the JUNIORS that i said i would like to see it crumble.. i am.. but just take it as a warning.. look what you're getting next and really think about the administration.. we lucked out with our freshman this year.. dont just assume that its gonna be as good next year. i really am happy for u all its just hard for me to deal with it cuz im hurt right now. i will probably be there next year (if im not in another school which i might still be in congress if i do) and if u have any questions im here.. just please except that im angry and hurt and upset right now .. not just about congress.. about things i hope u never have to experience cuz its not fun.. this is just added to my anger.. once again im sorry i offended the JUNIORS.. good luck next year and im sure you'll do fine.. i still want to be everyone's friend i just need time to heal from everything.,
im sorry
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[14 Jun 2004|07:40pm] |
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yeah well apparently i offended people before with my entry so if u cant handle reading my immediate feelings then dont read my journal.. this is how i feel right now and im venting.. ive read yours and i dont take shit personally.. journals are suppose to be where u express your emotions and anger and thats what it is for me and right now im saying this that make me angry and upset and im completely entitled to feel however the fuck i wanna feel and i NEVER said i blame the juinors for what happend infact i made it a fucking point to congratulate every fucking one of u.. and like i said if u cant handle what my first reactions are then dont read my journal.. none of u know what im going through right now and none of u have to cuz u all got what u want so leave me alone and give me the fucking freedom to write whatever i damn want without being criticized.. im sorry i offended you but i was just venting to my journal and not to anyone personally.. i dont need peole jumping down my throat for having feelings and just typing shit out of my ass cuz im angry
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[14 Jun 2004|05:09pm] |
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yeah this year really sucked.. especially these last few weeks.. EVERYTHING is falling apart. i worked so hard and got nothing. i have never wanted anything like i wanted GC and i had accepted not getting that.. but not to get on board at all really is so hard to deal with.. the fact that i was promised board all year by them and everything was taken away from me because i had next year and they didnt.. yeah well fuck u all.. they probably were the worst exec board ever and they think they are so amazing but news flash.. it was the delegation not u.. u all sucked and did nothing productive ever.. i was there and i couldnt stand u all but i put up with u.. i hate them so much.. i really want them to die.. actually i wanted them to die last month so i could pick board myself.. it would have worked out better that way.. and all my friends think its a good board.. i think that hurts more. i really do.. well i will enjoy it every much when i sit back and watch it crumble because i assure u it will.. i hate the world so much.. and if there is a god he sucks balls.. cuz he has taken EVERYTHING i care about away from me.. he took my mama and thats probably the biggest heartache i will ever experience.. imagine losing your best friend then losing your 2nd mom then losing your favorite person in the whole world then losing your role model and mentor times that by 10 and then maybe u will have a remote idea how i feel now. everyday i dont want to get out of bed. i especially hate going to school cuz i have to face the people that hurt me so much and the people that got what i wanted.. dont get me wrong congratulations to you all but it just hurts right now to be around you sometimes.. im not too happy now and i dont think i will be completely happy for a long time.. its just so hard and hurts so bad
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[20 May 2004|01:04pm] |
ok im fucked... life officially sucks.. im gonna be so grounded for the summer its not even funny. i try and try for chemistry and i just cant do well in that class. my mom keeps threatening me about it and there really isnt anything i can do... I DONT GET IT. well i do get it at least i think i get it and the dr grenetz puts that test infront of me and its like a foreign language to me. i dont know what to do. i hate science, its never been my subject and now its really starting to show.. i hope im still allowed to take forensics next year cuz im interested in that. chem i could care less about. who the hell cares about atoms and electrons and chemical equations .. i sure as hell DONT i hate this i cant take it. oh and dont get me started on my SATs thats just another horrible story that needs to end. i dont want to do anything in life NOTHING. in fact i havent even decided if i want a life anymore.. theres nothing here thats going for me.. im so miserable.. i dont want to get up in the morning i dont want to face the world.. i just wanna run away.. far away and never turn back.
oh and then this whole exec board thing.. im gonna get sooooo screwed over i can feel it and theres nothing for me to do.. they hate me and thats it. i never had a chance at it because they hate me and someone who is less deserving is gonna get what i want that didnt do half of what i did. that really sucks.
i just wanna die...
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| hahaha |
[08 May 2004|10:08am] |
last night was mad funny
i got really stoned before i went to see perfect circle... lol i was quite gitty. there was this band that opened for them.. they were called mini kiss and they were dressed just like kiss but werent really playing their instruments.. i was watching them for awhile when dave just notices and enlightens me that they are midgets.. now i was watching this bad for awhile now.. it took me a long time to realize that werent playing their instruments.. but when dave told me they were midgets i couldnt stop laughing.. so i texted dana and she thought it was really funny.. laughs.. perfect circle was amazing.. they played my 2 favorite songs and i smiled.. it was definitely a good night after my AP exam :)
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aweaza's journal